Live for Today
by Riza Hawkeye
Summary: What if you are haunted by dreams? What if those dreams are actually memories? Hotaru did some bad things as Mistress 9, stuff she would like to forget, but can't. Shoujoai featuring ChibiusaHotaru.
1. Bad Memories

**Note**: It has been pointed out to me that the entire chapter was posted in bold, but I have no idea why. That's not how it looks when I look at it...sigh...hopefully this re-upload corrects that.

I know I said in my profile that I would only be doing one story at a time, but this one came into my head and I just had to get it out. This is Chibi-Usa/Hotaru fic, with a little Rei/Usagi tossed in for good measure. If possible this one will have even more angst than 'Her Battle' and this is in no way connected it however. As the summary says this story deals a lot with Hotaru and her coping with what she did as Mistress 9.

Let me explain the ages of the characters, so no one thinks I'm some kind of pervert.

Hotaru – 16  
Chibi-Usa – 16  
Rei – 20  
Usagi –20  
All the other inners are 20  
Haruka – 25  
Michiru –25  
Setsuna – ?

One more note before I get started, Mamoru will not be in this and the inner senshi other than Rei and Usagi will not really play much of a role in this. If it wasn't obvious by the ages, this takes place after Stars. Oh, and there are major spoilers for the Super season, to anyone who hasn't seen it yet, but if you haven't seen S by now, where have you been?

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Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon and never will, if I did, it would have been more violent and more of the girls would have gotten together, but I digress. My statement about not owning Sailor Moon will hold true for the entire story, though.

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Chapter 1 – Bad Memories

"Where am I? It's so dark, I can't see a thing." Hotaru said aloud to herself.

Suddenly there is a bright flash of light, causing Hotaru to cover her eyes. When she uncovered her eyes she is in a different place then she was a few moments ago. This place looked like some sort of laboratory and now she's not alone here, there a number of other people with her now, all of whom she recognizes. All the Sailor Senshi are there expect Pluto. Uranus and Neptune are standing off the side, away from all the inners. Hotaru looks away from the senshi to see who else is present. Someone is sitting at the top of a staircase; she has a black star on her chest and looks awfully familiar to her. Hotaru didn't dwell on it however and continued her inspection; soon her gaze fell on a man in a lab coat with glasses.

"Papa?" Hotaru asked but the man did not respond to her call. Instead the man spoke to the girl sitting at the head of the stairs.

"The Messiah of Silence!" the professor calls to the girl.

"No, that's not possible! What's going on?" Hotaru yells.

The girl at the top of the stairs stands up, 'No, she's me! How can this be happening?' Hotaru thinks.

"No! Stop it! Chibi Moon!" Sailor Moon yells and runs towards the girl, but she is thrown back by a barrier.

'Sailor Moon...' Hotaru thinks and sees the inner senshi tending to the princess. Hotaru focuses on a table beside her father; where Chibi Moon is lying there unconscious. "Chibi-Usa!" Hotaru calls to the girl but gets no response. The Hotaru at the top of the stairs stands up fully and a hand extends from her and begins heading toward Chibi-Usa.

"Chibi-Usa!" Hotaru screams and runs to her. She doesn't even pay attention to the fact that she could travel through the barrier that threw Sailor Moon back a few moments before. Hotaru just continues running to Chibi-Usa and once she finally reaches her, she positions herself in front of the unconscious girl with her arms stretched out protectively in front of Chibi-Usa. "Stop this! If you really are me, you won't hurt her!" Hotaru pleads with her other self, but she either doesn't hear or doesn't care because the hand continues toward Chibi-Usa.

Hotaru holds her ground and prepares to sacrifice herself for Chibi-Usa. The hand maintains its approach and reaches Hotaru, but instead of taking her heart crystal the hand passes right through her and reaches Chibi-Moon. Chibi-Moon screams out in pain when the hand reaches into her chest and begins pulling out her heart crystal. "Usa-chan!" Hotaru cries and desperately tries to pull the hand out of the girl's chest, but her hands just passing through it, as if she weren't even there.

Chibi Moon looks up at the top of the stairs and sees Hotaru, "H-Hotaru-chan...I'm glad you're okay..." she says before her heart crystal is taken and fades into unconsciousness again.

"NO, Usa-chan!" Hotaru cries and falls to her knees in front of the motionless girl.

Distantly, "This...is horrible! This is too horrible!" Moon cries.

Chibi Moon reverts back to her normal identity, "GIVE IT BACK! GIVE HER HEART CRYSTAL BACK!" Hotaru screams to her other self.

"Beautiful! A pure heart fit for the Messiah of Silence!" Professor Tomoe says as she watches her holding the heart crystal. Hotaru starts crying next to the unconscious Chibi-Usa.

"This is no good! If Saturn revives, this world will be destroyed!" Uranus says.

Chibi-Usa's heart crystal starts floating toward Hotaru's mouth and Moon speaks up again, "Hotaru! Stop!" Hotaru doesn't acknowledging her, so she addresses Professor Tomoe, "Please! Stop her! If you're really Hotaru's father...if you really love Hotaru... Please!"

"Love? What do you mean?" he responds in a very cold voice.

Hotaru swallows the heart crystal, shocking all of the Sailor Senshi. Almost immediately after words Hotaru transforms into Mistress 9.

* * *

Hotaru sits up quickly, a cold sweat covering her body. She takes a moment to examine her surroundings and realizes that she is back in her own room. 'Why must still keep reliving that?' Hotaru questions herself.

"I need something to drink" Hotaru said and pulled herself out of bed.

Hotaru didn't want to wake her guardians, so she walked as quietly as possible to her bedroom door and exited her room; silently shutting the door when she exited. Quickly she made her way to the stairs and to the kitchen, unknowingly spotted by one of the guardians she was trying to avoid. Hotaru reached the refrigerator and opened the door to see its contents. The light from the fridge caused her to wince and shut her eyes to avoid the unwelcomed light. Once her eye adjusted enough she grabbed a bottle of water and hastily closed the door. She turned around and started back to her room, but after only a few steps she collided with someone. Hotaru looked up and smiled nervously at her guardian.

"Hi, Michiru-mama." Hotaru said in the most cheerful voice she could muster. Cheerfulness was not really her thing, alerting to Michiru that something might be wrong.

"Hotaru, I thought you said you were going to sleep over an hour ago." Michiru said.

"Well I did, but I woke up and was thirsty. I didn't mean to wake you mama, sorry." Hotaru said quietly.

"It's ok; you didn't wake me, Hotaru. Haruka and I were watching a movie and I saw you hurrying downstairs. I thought you might have been sick, so I came to check on you. You haven't looked well for the last few days and I just wanted to make sure you were alright." Michiru said concernedly.

"I'm fine, mama. I just need to get some rest." Hotaru said convincingly.

"Alright, but if you ever need to talk about anything you know, I'm here for you and so are Haruka and Setsuna." Michiru said comfortingly.

"I know. I'm going back to bed now." Hotaru said and hurried up the staircase.

"She didn't say anything about the nightmares she has been having" Haruka said as she walked up behind Michiru.

Unfazed by her companion's seemingly appearance out of thin air Michiru responded, "No. She must not realize that she talks in her sleep during them."

Haruka silently put her arm around the shorter woman, "I'm sure she'll open up soon." Haruka said confidently.

"I hope so; we could help her if she would." Michiru said and snuggled closer to her lover.

* * *

'Wish I could tell you mama, but don't want you to know how weak I've become.' Hotaru thought to herself as she closed the door to her room. 'Normally I could go to Chibi-Usa whenever something is bothering me, but if I do that this time I would have to tell her everything and I can't do that.' Hotaru thought and sat down on the edge of her bed and took a drink of water.

'I just wish there was some way I could make these dreams stop' she thought before taking another drink. Hotaru tightened the cap on the bottle and placed it on the night stand next to her bed. Then she reached over to the table lamp and turned it off, darkening the room even more; the lamp was not very bright so she usually left it on, but she preferred almost total darkness this night. She wasn't even sure if she would be able to go to sleep again, it was usually difficult after the dreams...no not dreams...memories she relived earlier.

'Maybe if I ignore them, they will go away.' Hotaru hoped and as she lay back on to her bed, not bothering to cover herself with the blankets. 'I don't deserve her as a friend after what I did. Maybe this is punishment for nearly ending her life.' Hotaru thought as she closed her eyes, 'I wish there were some way I could change what I did, but that's impossible.' She then started to drift off to sleep, a dreamless sleep she hoped.

End Ch. 1

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Ok, chapter one complete. I don't plan on this one being too long, maybe close to five chapters, but I don't know. If anyone likes it drop me a review, heck even if you don't like it drop me a review, but if you didn't like it to I'd like know why. The other chapters will be longer than this one, because this just sets up the story. Since I don't have anything else to say, I'll just finish by saying thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed it.


	2. Worry and Guilt

I bet just about everyone who read this thought I'd never update. I mean it's been…damn nearly six years since I originally posted this. To all those who waited, I'm sorry this has taken so damn long! I always resolved to never start a story without finishing it and that's a resolution I intend to keep.

After rereading my notes at the beginning of the first chapter, I don't think I made it very clear, but in this Rei and Usagi are together already and they are living together. Usagi is in the early stages of pregnancy. I know it's a cop out, but I didn't want to devote much time and effort to them being together; I want this to focus on Hotaru and Chibi-Usa, sorry if that wasn't clear to anyone. Since that's all I have to say, I'll just finish by saying, here's chapter 2…

BTW, Chibi-Usa only goes by Usagi in school.

Chapter 2 – Worry and Guilt

_Knock…Knock_

"Hotaru, are you awake?" came a voice from other side of the door.

"Yes, Setsuna-mama." Hotaru replied tiredly.

"Well, breakfast is ready dear." Setsuna said and waited for the girl's response.

"Ok, I'll be down in a few minutes. I need to finish getting dressed." Hotaru said.

"Alright, I'll see you downstairs." Setsuna said and headed down to the kitchen.

Setsuna entered the kitchen to find Haruka sitting down at the table reading the newspaper and Michiru pouring out three cups of coffee. Feeling another presence in the room Haruka lowered her paper to address Setsuna. "How is she doing?"

"It's hard to say, but she did sound tired, like she didn't sleep too well last night." Setsuna said worriedly.

"Is she going to at least come down and eat something?" Michiru asked.

"She said she would be down shortly. She just needs a little more time to finish getting dressed." Setsuna responded.

* * *

_Yawn_

Hotaru rubbed her eyes, 'I wish today wasn't a school day.' She thought as she fixed the bow on the front of her uniform. Hotaru walked over to her dresser and picked up a brush and proceeded to brush the tangles out of her hair. Once she was satisfied she placed the brush back down. She paused for moment, looking her reflection in the mirror. Dark circles were visible under her eyes; she silently cursed her fair skin for making them all the more apparent. 'I look like I haven't sleep in days.' She thought and reached for her makeup on the dresser. She rarely wore the stuff, but Chibi-Usa talked her into buying a lot of the makeup supplies she did have. 'If I go to school looking like this, I'll only draw unwanted attention. Or more likely, concern from Chibi-Usa. And questions I'd rather not discuss.'

She sat down and applied some concealer to the darkened areas under her eyes.

Once done, Hotaru reached to the side her desk. She came up with her school bag and threw it over her shoulder before heading down stairs. When she arrived down stairs all three of her guardians were in the kitchen having breakfast. The dark haired girl looked at the three woman, "Good Morning…" She said and walked over the stove and grabbed a plate.

"Would you like for me to drive you to school today?" Haruka asked.

"No, that's ok. I want to walk." Hotaru replied and scooped a small portion of eggs unto her plate.

"Are you sure?" Haruka asked again.

The younger girl gave a slight nod of her head, "I'm sure." She said and grabbed a pair of tongs and picked up two sausage links before placing them on her plate.

The blond haired woman sighed quietly, "Alright, but the offer this stands if you change your mind."

This time the younger girl didn't voice her response, instead she settled for simply nodding her head. She moved to the refrigerator next and poured herself a glass of orange juice. Afterward, she walked over the table where her three guardians sat.

The group sat silently for a short time, Hotaru nearly finished her breakfast and it was coming up on the time she'd need to leave for school. Michiru chose this time to talk, "So how are things at school?"

"Fine." The dark haired teen said simply, 'But sometimes I wish I could be home schooled again.'

"If you're unhappy or something is bothering you, you can tell us." Setsuna said calmly from across the table.

Hotaru stood up and grabbed her schoolbag, "Things are fine, I don't know what else you want me to say." With that the teenager, turned and left the kitchen. In a couple moments, the front door could be heard opening and shutting seconds afterward.

"You don't think we're pressuring her too much to open up to us, do you?" Michiru asked the other two women with her.

Haruka shook her head, "I don't think so. I want her to know she can talk to us about anything."

"Michiru has a point though. Stressing the point too much can have the opposite affect." Setsuna stated somberly, causing everyone in the group to think about they could do next to help their daughter.

* * *

Hotaru walked down the block away from her house, 'I know they mean well, but how can I tell them? I'm already disgusted with my own weakness; I don't need them to know.' The young teen kicked a small pebble in her way and continued her trek to school.

She wasn't too fond of school. That mostly steamed from her experiences at Mugen Gakuen. Of course, she knew that everything that happened around her wasn't technically her fault, but the other students' actions towards never really left her. She enjoyed the learning; it was the social traditions, especially between girls, that she couldn't stand. The only person she wanted to hang out with was Chibi-Usa. She wasn't as social as her pink haired friend. She would have been perfectly comfortable with only interacting with Chibi-Usa. She didn't much care for Ruruna and Naruru, but Chibi-Usa was friends with them, so she put up with them. They were far too interested in stupid stereotypical girl things, clothes, makeup, etc. as far she was concerned. Chibi-Usa gave them more of her attention than they deserved…

Hotaru shook her head, 'I shouldn't think like that…it's not like I deserve to be the center of her attention.' She thought and looked up to see the school sign just a short distance from her. The dark haired girl sighed as she reached to entrance to school, 'Another day of the same thing…' she thought and looked at the building for a moment, before someone collided with her, immediately hugging her.

"Taru-chan!"

Hotaru smiled at the other girl's cheerfulness, "Good morning, Chibi-Usa." She said happily, but with much more restraint than the pink haired girl holding her.

"Guess what! Guess what!" Chibi-Usa yelled excitedly.

The dark haired girl craned her neck to look at the other girl, "What?"

Chibi-Usa released the other girl from her hug. Hotaru briefly frowned at the loss of her friend's arms around her, but her expression appeared too quickly to be noticed by the excited pink haired girl, "I got a picture me!"

Hotaru looked at her friend strangely, "Ooookkkaayy, I'm sure you have plenty of pictures of yourself…"

"No, silly." Chibi-Usa said and produced a dark photograph from her pocket. She quickly showed the picture with a huge smile on her face, "It's me inside Usagi's belly."

The dark haired senshi couldn't help allow her mood to be lifted at her friend's antics. She laughed and took the photo from Chibi's hands to get a closer look. She stared at it for while, it was very grainy and hard to make out, but she was there. She was so tiny… "Wow, you're like the size of a peanut."

"Yeah! Aren't I cute?" Chibi-Usa asked, looking over the photo to Hotaru and flashed a bright smile. The darker haired girl was going to say something in response when they were interrupted.

"What do you have there, Hotaru-chan?" Naruru asked

Chibi-Usa blanched at the question and looked a little worried the other girl may have heard something she said.

"It's just an ultrasound of Usagi's cousin." Hotaru said and handed the picture back to the pink haired girl. The other girl took the offered photo and held it against her chest. Naruru looked like she was going to say something else, when the school bell rang. "Let's head to class." Hotaru suggested and reached out to grab the girl's hand in front of her, when her mind flashed back to her nightmare. She immediately froze mid-motion and without another word hurried past her friend, breaking her out of her dazed state.

The future princess was surprised by the sudden change in her friend and as watched her run away she whispered her friend name, "Hotaru-chan…"

Class was the usual fare and before everyone knew it, it was lunch time…

Chibi-Usa looked everywhere she could think of and yet she couldn't find her dark haired friend. Hotaru left the classroom as soon as she was able to without a word to her. 'Where could she be? She's been avoiding me since this morning…' She thought to herself when her two other friends called her over to their table. She slowly made her way over while still looking for her other friend. As soon as she reached Ruruna and Naruru she asked, "Have you guys seen Hotaru?"

Ruruna shook her head and Naruru said, "Not since class."

Afterwards, the two girls started up a conversation; Chibi-Usa only somewhat paid attention, her thought still on her raven haired friend. 'Is she mad at me for some reason? She's been acting strange for about a week now…' The pink haired girl thought and closed her eyes, trying to think about what may be going on with her friend. She opened her eyes after a few seconds to see the two friends she was sitting with looking at her.

"So did you want to come?" Ruruna asked.

"Wh-what?" Chibi-Usa asked confusedly.

"Did you want to go to the mall with us after school?" Naruru asked.

"Umm…sure." Chibi-Usa responded without really thinking about it.

"Great! It'll be fun, there's this new line from Guccicci I've been dying to try on!" Ruruna exclaimed.

Ruruna and Naruru spent the rest of their lunch period discussing their upcoming trip to the mall, while Chibi-Usa spent the remainder thinking about what her other friend…

* * *

When they returned to class from lunch Hotaru was already sitting her seat. Chibi-Usa was going over to talk to her when the teacher stepped into the room and told everyone to take their seats and open their textbooks. Chibi-Usa was a little annoyed because the rest of the school day past without her being able to talk to Hotaru. Every time she tried to talk to the other girl something always seemed to prevent it. Now she stood outside the school near the entrance, hoping to finally talk to Hotaru…

"Come on Usagi, let's go…"

Chibi-Usa looked at her two friends when she saw the girl she'd been waiting for walk out of the school and head into the opposite of her. She looked at her two friends and to Hotaru and back again before saying, "I'm sorry guys, I forgot I promised I'd do something for my cousin. We'll hang out another time." As soon as she finished, she hurried after her dark haired friend. It took her few minutes, but soon she caught up to the other girl. "Taru-chan!"

Hotaru immediately stopped when she her name being called. She looked over her shoulder, "I thought you were going shopping with…Naruru and Ruruna." She had to stop herself before she called the other girl's friends by her nickname for them, 'the bimbos'.

"How did you…?" Chibi-Usa started to ask, when the other girl cut her off.

"I overheard them talking about it in class." Hotaru stated calmly.

"I can always to that some other time. I wanted to talk to you about something." Chibi-Usa said and walked up beside the other girl. She looked over to the girl next to her and could see how tired she looked and it worried her. She didn't like that something was clearly bothering her, but she wasn't telling her about it. "I care about you a lot…" Chibi-Usa started off saying, causing the other girl to look at her, somewhat surprised. "But I'm worried about you."

"You don't have anything…" Hotaru began, but was quickly cut off.

"Please, let me finish." The future Princess said seriously, effectively stopping any further interruptions. "I've noticed it for some time, but I could always come up with some excuse to explain it away. I can't do that anymore…I know something is bothering you and I want you to tell me what it is."

Hotaru looked down, "Nothing's wrong. I've just had a lot of my mind…"

"And you can't talk to me about it?" Chibi-Usa asked, clearly sounding hurt. "I thought we could talk to each other about a-anything?" She asked trying to remain calm, but seemed to be losing that battle.

The senshi of death and rebirth had to swallow back a lump that had stubbornly formed in her throat to say, "I-I'm sorry…I-I don't want you to hurt because of me…" Hotaru said and closed her eyes tightly, allowing a few tears to escape her purple eyes. In a flash, she pulled out her henshin stick and called out her transformation phrase.

"Saturn Planet Power, Make-up!"

Saturn opened her eyes and looked at the pink haired princess sadly for a moment before hardening her expression, "I'll deal with this on my own, so I don't hurt you anymore." Saturn said resolutely.

"Wait!" Chibi-Usa yelled, but before she could even get up, the other girl was gone.

End Ch.2

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I only expect there to be one more chapter for this story, which I plan on working on soon. I work for like the next five days in a row, so I don't know if I'll get much done during that time, but I will try. I intend to finish this story before returning to my longer running story, 'Our Future', which if you are reading this and haven't read that it is also a story that will have many Hotaru/Chibi-Usa moments. They are not the main characters, that title belongs to Rei/Usagi. It's a sequel to my first story, 'Her Battle', so it would recommend reading that first though. They are both long, 'Her Battle' much more so because it is complete.

I'll shut up now and say thank you to anyone that takes the time to read this especially if you are someone that's been waiting all or most of the six years since this story was initially posted.


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